I’ve Decided to be Selfish: Setting Boundaries in My 30s
Just for a little perspective, I’m writing this post the week after the 2024 presidential election–pausing for dramatic effect–to say I’m pissed off would be an understatement, but, as always, life goes on. The only word I have to describe what it feels like to be entering yet another Trump presidency is: hopeless. To feel like you did everything in your power to prevent the worst-case scenario, only for it to still happen, is just…defeating.
But, oddly enough, the election results did give me the push to do something I’ve been thinking about for a while: be selfish.
I’ve thought a lot this past year about prioritizing myself in a different way, a more “selfish” way. And selfishness can look different for everyone, so let me give a little context. The kind I’m talking about is setting boundaries that protect my happiness and peace of mind, regardless of anyone else’s opinions or feelings. I want to support my people and love them, but in ways that reflect how they’ve shown up for me. Here’s what that looks like for me:
No more people-pleasing.
I’m not proud to admit it, but I suffer from people-pleasing syndrome. For the longest time, I felt like I was “keeping the peace” by going along with everyone else. But now I realize that approach actually does the opposite. I’ve been doing a huge disservice to myself (and others) by not being authentic. This Reddit post (of all things!) actually got me to realize how toxic people-pleasing can be. The post explained how people-pleasing can actually be a subtle form of manipulation (I clutched my pearls at that one). When examined a little deeper, it’s “being nice out of fear for the unpredictability of other people’s reactions, but still trying to control their behaviors”. It’s kind of a hard truth to hear, but I can see the connection.
Trust is earned, not given.
I used to have this mantra that everyone started with 100% trust, and once it was lost, there was no getting it back (can’t believe I once thought that was prolific 🤦🏾♀️). Thank God for growing up because now I see that’s not how trust should work. Trust should be gained bit by bit. Anyone who tries to rush familiarity or push my boundaries is now a big red flag. Building trust is a part of building ✨quality✨ relationships.
Do what’s asked, and nothing more.
This one is strictly for my work life. I am so done with trying to “exceed expectations” at work. Thanks to the COVID era (and TikTok!), the corporate façade has shattered (not that we fully bought into it, but hey, we need that paycheck!). Over the past few years, we’ve seen corporate greed exposed through mass layoffs, pay cuts, and exploitation. I’m beyond over it. I’m choosing to take back my autonomy by doing the bare minimum (because that’s what they’re paying us anyway, right?).
Quality over quantity.
For a long time, I felt embarrassed that I only had one or two close friends. In a world that constantly tells us “more is more” (more money, more friends, more happiness), I used to think I needed a big circle. In college, I would break my back to fit in with big groups. But it felt isolating, like being in a room full of people and still feeling alone, type of isolating. When I moved to a new city, I approached things differently. I ended up with a smaller circle, and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve learned that life really is about quality over quantity. Whether that’s in relationships, jobs, opportunities, or even purchases 🤑. This is one boundary I plan on keeping.
So, tell me, are there any boundaries you’re thinking about setting for the next four years? I’d love to hear your thoughts! We’re in this together. Sending a virtual hug (to Kamala voters only, obvi). 🥰
